EH?
PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn't just looking up the answer on the Internet? How come dogs get Rolls-Royce arseholes that crimp off perfectly each time, whereas we humans get the Skoda model where you have to use a bit of paper to chase it halfway round your back? I saw a man putting a plastic bag of dogsh*t in a bin on a lamp post the other day. A sign on the bin read 'Advertise Your Business Here.' Well, I for one cannot think of a business that could possibly benefit from an association with bins of dogsh*t on lamp posts. MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards. I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can -*test*-('")ify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Eh?

I hope that you have some better ones for the trip to Salford!!!

Eh 2? Brew Tay
WHILE cleaning out the back of my fridge the other day, I found a half-full carton of 'fresh full-cream milk', but when I drank it I threw up and spent the rest of the week in bed. Fresh, my a*se. I was shocked to hear Home Secretary Jacqui Smith say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

That's mint,Mac!!! BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you. CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts. SCRABBLE PLAYERS If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc. FELLAS Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon. BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees. WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged. MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls. BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating GENTLEMEN Speed up your lovemaking by playing Benny Hill's theme tune 'Yackety Sax' in the bedroom. LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow. ORIGAMI ENTHUSIASTS Save money on expensive brown paper by simply folding Happy Shopper beefburgers. Also your final model can also be grilled, filling your house with the pleasing aroma of tramps' socks.

I thought that you initials are M L B ?

Then What? A Tribunal?

Two words.... Therapy! .